Who’s the most emotionally strongest person you know?  I think of parents I know that’s marriage has survived their child’s death with grace, wisdom and courage.  I think of someone I met born with a mind-blowing disability who is crushing life with meaning and purpose.  I think of a neighbor who waited a decade for a donor lung organ to be available and just in the nick of time… a match.  I think of my own life valley’s as well.  At one extreme, rape and at the other spectrum my boss telling me someone else got the promotion.

I bet you have your own “life valley” memories.  And somehow you (or someone you know) survived it and found a way to rise above or pull yourself out of it.  You have the ability to do it.  Because you have before.  But you can adapt faster and with less stress if you intentionally build up your emotional energy.

In fact, it’s my advice that you should prepare yourself in advance emotionally for moments when you’re world is turned upside down.  Or at the very least, prepare for the moments when you feel like you were taken off guard.

Here are 5 ways you can improve your emotional energy

First, let’s define it.  Emotional energy is made up of four distinct areas, specifically:

• Self-awareness – the ability to understand how you feel at an emotional level and what triggers it
• Self-control – the ability to utilize your self-awareness is how you react to what triggered your emotion
• Empathy – the ability to understand the emotions in other people even if they’re not the same as yours
• Interpersonal relationships – the ability to utilize your self-awareness and empathy to manage relationships positively

Here’s tips for each of these distinct areas to help you improve your emotional energy stores.

Self-awareness

1.  Keep an emotional journal and notice your triggers or how you adapted to a shitty day

At the end of each day, ask yourself simple questions,

“If I could do the day over, what could I have done differently?  Do I need to forgive myself?  Is it a pattern or am I just adding too much meaning to it?”

“What did I do well?  What do I need to celebrate?”

For example, I wanted to spend 15 min a day with my children 1:1 and I wanted to exercise more.  I hadn’t accomplished those habits consistently.  And a few times I did.  I asked myself why today and not other days.  Eventually, I started to notice a pattern of time of day.  If I did it early on, then it was very likely to happen.  This allowed me to find ways to help me set myself up for success by moving commitments around when I could.  Instead of being an emotional bully to myself, I simply noticed, forgave myself and the pattern of success became clear.

I also sometimes have a tendency to be hard on myself.  And I forget how much I’ve accomplished.  Therefore, every quarter I review my journal and simply reflect on how I answered.  Looking back is helpful for me to remember that I’ve had shitty days or years before.  And I can look back and see how I survived it or rose above it in later days/months/years.  That this unhappy or ungrateful moment is just temporary.

Self-control

2.  Remind yourself that you don’t have to react to respond

Responding doesn’t have to mean reacting.  Another way to respond could be taking a moment to reflect, to do a 16-second breath meditation or to go for walk around the block.  This will allow your amygdala (responsible for emotional reactions) to re-direct blood flow to other parts of your brain like your prefrontal cortex (responsible for creativity and executive, strategic decisions) to respond.

Empathy

3.  Create more Oxytocin (vs. Cortisol) conversations

Do you criticize, dictate or judge?  I was surprised at how much I did it when I intentionally tried to notice it.  Vegas bet that you do it more than you think.

I learned recently that when you’re doing it to someone else like an employee, a peer, a spouse or a child, you’re making that relationship’s chemistry based on Cortisol.  Yep, the same hormone that’s been associated with stress and fat-storage.  Cortisol also reduces blood flow to your prefrontal cortex (where we preform higher executive thinking) and amplifies blood flow to the anterior cingulate gyrus (where we get stuck, persistent and essentially mental inflexible).

You raise Cortisol in someone else as well when you’re focused on convincing them.  Could that be your boss at times?  That’s not the type of relationship chemistry you want to nurture with them.

Someone who’s conversation style raises cortisol is what some leaders are now calling low C-IQ (conversational IQ).

So, is there the opposite?  Like high C-IQ?  Yep!  That’s when a conversation creates Oxytocin.  The feel good hormone that helps us confidently communicate and having a trusting collaboration by directing blood flow to that prefrontal cortex (executive decisions).  It’s a conversation that appreciates, shows empathy, mutually develops success or celebrates.

Next time you have a meeting, a talk with your spouse or your children, ask yourself if you’re creating a Oxytocin (vs. Cortisol) conversation.

Interpersonal relationships

4.  The fastest way to trust is to be known

Be the first one to be vulnerable and share something about you.  Show that you’re real, relatable and humble.  For example, I might tell someone I’m not as technical as they are in X topic/skill but it’s an area I’m working on and value their expertise.

5.  Build intentional relationships to advance advocacy

I was taught in information security to make relationships with incident response before the crime happens.  And incident response should make relationships with law enforcement before the crime happens.  Not during.  So, I reach out to introduce myself before.

Same thing in life.  Make relationships in advance.  Understand what roles could be a benefit to you in the event of a small issue or a big disaster.  It might be a mentor, a recruiter, a doctor, a lawyer, a therapist, a pastor or whatever else makes sense for the things that you fear.  Then intentionally work on nurturing the relationship by serving their needs or showing appreciation.

Summarized, short version

1. Keep an emotional journal and notice your triggers or how you adapted to a shitty day
2. Remind yourself that you don’t have to react to respond
3. Create more Oxytocin (vs. Cortisol) conversations
4. The fastest way to trust is to be known
5. Build intentional relationships to advance advocacy

Do you lead others?  4 ways you can increase your team’s emotional energy

If you have the privilege of leading others and looking for higher employee engagement scores, first role model the behaviors above.  Next, here’s four other ways you can influence your team’s emotional energy scores.

1.  Recognize, honor and appreciate your employees on a regular basis

Employees who feel their leaders acknowledge their positive behavior or action are…

• 63% more satisfied with their jobs
• 55% more happy
• 58% more focused and
• 110% more likely to stay with their organization – Yep 110% lower turnover!

2.  Leaders seen as positive and optimistic are infectious

Employees with positive leaders reported…

• 54% higher happiness
• 71% more enjoyment at work
• 105% higher likelihood to stay at the organization – lower turnover again
• 220% higher level of meaning and significance at work, and
• 55% more focus

Here’s how you can appear to be more positive and optimistic:

• Substitute the word problem for challenge
• Begin communications on a positive note

3.  Give real-time feedback and often (not just as part of the formal performance review)

Employees who felt they didn’t receive useful, digestible feedback reported…

• 34% lower happiness
• 33% less focus

Only 21% reported receiving feedback in a way they can hear.  Therefore, see if your organization has a course on giving feedback effectively.

4.  Regularly ask how you’re doing – if there’s anything you should stop or start

Only 25% of employees feel they can give their leader honest feedback.  When you ask for feedback, they may not tell you the first, second or third time.  But they will once they feel safe and can trust you.  So, don’t stop asking!  And when they do, don’t react.  Respond by saying, “Thank you for sharing that with me.”  It doesn’t mean you agree.  But if you react about the reasons you do X, Y & Z or how their perception isn’t accurate, then they’ll be scared to share next time.  If their perception is wrong, it’s great you know that you need to re-brand yourself.

Question: On a scale of 1-10, what’s your emotional energy score? Which tip will you try out today to improve your score by 1-point? You can leave a comment below.