You’ve tried to break off the relationship but just keep going back.  Each time you think it’s over, something happens.  It calls or emails you, and before you know it, you’re right back where you started.

Your friends tell you that you just need more self-control or willpower.  You disagree because you’ve tried that.

You’re not giving up though.  You want to end the affair (aka work addiction).

7 signs you’re having an affair with your work

1. You feel guilty to leave work on the table.
2. You’re not able to be present at home – affairs in the head are as bad as in bed – or you reach for your phone to check work email as soon as you get the chance… just for a second.
3. You’re sacrificing time with your spouse, kids or weekends for your work – more often than you’d like to admit.
4. The stories told about you from your spouse or kids aren’t flattering.  For example, my 7-year-old daughter only shares the story of me saying, “All mom ever does is work and go boop, boop, boop on the keyboard” (imitating a two-finger typist).
5. Since you don’t have time for your family, there’s also no time for you.
6. You obsess about achievement, ambition and results – as soon as one achievement is checked, you have the next in your sights.
7. Health problems – headaches, muscle tension, chest pain, fatigue, low sex drive, upset stomach, insomnia, anxiety, irritability, anger, sadness, depression, overeating, drug/alcohol use.  Your body is trying to tell you that this dysfunctional work relationship is not a good influence on you.

I’ve been guilty of 6 out of 7 in the past.  How many sound like you?

Can you end this affair (work addiction)?

“Become aware of your beliefs, because what you believe, you become,” said Executive Coach Vance Caesar to a high-powered group of women leaders recently.  He went on to say that, “Your beliefs influence your thoughts which lead to your feelings which influence your actions.  If you want to change who you are, then change your beliefs.  You may not be aware of your beliefs, but you should because they can be challenged and modified.”

Thus, if you can figure out which life-limiting belief is causing you to “act” addicted to work, then you can change it.

How to end the affair (work addiction) in 3 steps

Step 1 – Identify your beliefs

There are a few ways to identify your beliefs.

One way is by looking back over the lows and highs of your life and determine what belief you took away from those events.

Another way is to identify your synonym of words such as Vulnerability, Discipline, Success, Forgiveness, Spirituality or Control.

Here’s a few examples of my previous life-limiting beliefs and the age I acquired them.

Age 14

• An event produced this belief:  It could all go away tomorrow.
  
• Which influenced this thought:  How much longer do I have?
  
• Which lead to this feeling:  Fear, anxiety, sadness, passive aggression
  
• Which influenced this action:  I’m defensive or suspicious.  I plan for failure.  I live in the past or future, never in the present.
  

Age 44

• My synonym for success produced this belief:  Success = achievement.
  
• Which influenced this thought:  What should I work on next?
  
• Which lead to this feeling:  Fear, anxiety
  
• Which influenced this action:  Obsessive drive for achievement to prove my worth and fulfill my identity.
  

Step 2 – Challenge your beliefs

This is where the gold of transformation lives.

Once you’re aware of those shadow beliefs, you can consciously change them.  Beliefs are typically changed by events or deep introspection.  I’m doing the latter here.

First, breathe into the feeling you’ve associated with a belief.  Acknowledge it’s presence.  This will help to release the resistance to change.

Then challenge it by asking yourself if the belief is absolutely 100% true (source: Byron Katie).  Examine the story you’ve told yourself.  Examine it from all angles or others perspectives until a new life-enriching belief emerges.

Here’s the examples of my previous life-limiting beliefs, the challenge and my current life-enriching beliefs.

Age 14

• An event produced this life-limiting belief:  It could all go away tomorrow.
  
• Challenged the belief… is that 100% true?  Yes, it’s 100% true.  But I know that it’s never happened in the past 12,045 days.  So, it’s clearly not 100% true so far.
• My new life-enriching belief:  I believe sometimes I don’t have control – and that’s OK.

Age 44

• My synonym for success produced this life-limiting belief:  Success = achievement.
  
• Challenged the belief… is that 100% true?  When I die, do I want my achievements surrounding me?  No.  What do I want then?  The most important relationships.  OMG, I’ve defined success wrong.  I heard that people who retire start to decline towards end-of-life sooner because they defined themselves by their title.  When I die, I’m not a SVP of Cybersecurity.  I’m a wife, a mother, a daughter, a granddaughter, a cousin and a loyal friend.
• My new life-enriching belief:  Success = relationships.

These new life-enriching beliefs will influence new thoughts which will lead to different feelings which will influence positive actions.

Step 3 – Make the breakthrough stick

First, write down your new life-enriching beliefs on post it notes.  Post one on your bathroom mirror or wherever else you spend the beginning of your day.  Rotate them regularly.

Next, tell someone about your new realization.  Share with someone in your tribe about your previous belief and your new belief.  That will help to make it part of your DNA… making it more real for you.

Question: Are you having an ‘affair’ with your work… over relationships?  If yes, what belief or thought is echoing in your head? You can leave a comment below.